Where’s my Modern Pirate Movie?


With all the bland, focused tested, and unoriginal dreck coming out of Hollywood, you’d think it was hard to come up with an original plot these days. Off the coasts of Somalia are a literal boatload of crazy awesome pirate shenanigans that could be turned into some crazy awesome movies (starring Jeff Bridges as the grizzled old Naval captain and Chiwetel Ejiofor as the crafty leader of a ragtag group of Pirates fighting for survival in the untamed waters off the coasts of east Africa…). It’s important to note however, that these aren’t your peg-legged, parrot toting, treasure burying pirates of lore; these twenty-first century privateers operate like a business, capturing ships and ransoming them to the highest bidder.

1. Modern Pirates aren’t looking for gold anymore.
Used to be hundreds of galleons full of gold were crossing the Atlantic at any given time, but centuries later, pirates are looking for a new source of treasure: Videogames. Looks like videogames companies might have to start worrying about pirates that care less about DRM and more about RPGs (and I’m not talking about the ones with Elves and Swords). Sometimes highly prized Nintendo Wii’s aren’t enough for fortune hungry pirates. Unfortunately, unbridled greed can lead to some nasty consequences. Like accidentally hijacking an Iranian cargo ship full of mysteriously locked cargo that causes you to lose your hair, get terrible skin burns, and possibly drop dead. I’d say this sounded like an awesome episode of 24 if the X-Files didn’t do it first.


2. Modern Pirates hideout in the mothership, not on desert islands
Without a need to bury excess gold, modern pirates have moved on to a more advanced, mobile base of operations: freakin’ oil tankers! Too bad India already sunk it, or some retrofits to that thing could have turned it into a motor boat launching aquatic version of the Battlestar Galactica.  Hell, Michael Hogan’s is already good to go for that Pirate movie!


3. Modern Pirates means Modern Anti-Pirate Weaponry
These pirates might sound pretty well organized, but considering most only launch attacks using small motorboats and pontoon boats, it doesn’t take much to repel them. Take this America cruise ship for example, which used a technology that sounds straight out of science fiction: Sonic Weaponry. Without affecting the traveling tourists or physically hurting the crew, sonic weaponry, and even something as simple as a fire house can drive off a modern pirate attack.

Again, just imagine the possibilities; Black-Ops strike teams making underwater breaches into Pirate mother ships to investigate possible nuclear bombs being transported to rouge factions in the Middle East.  Then the bombs turn out to be a red herring as everyone on board falls victim to a masterful hostage operation coordinated by Russian Ex-patriots.  Throw in some back stabbing CIA operatives, hostage negotiations, and freakin’ sonic guns and this thing practically writes itself.


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